[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB