Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.