my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me: my friends:
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
🏙👨🏼
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.