[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning