Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
#Caturday
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.