[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
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The booster protects against what, now?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.