I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Hero horse inspires millions