8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.