Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
B
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
new career option?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message