honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out