You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.