Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Try and stop me.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*seductively peels off lederhosen
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”