Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
You Might Also Like
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes