When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Pizza is an emotion right?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.