I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
You Might Also Like
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR