A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws