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Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
The devil.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
lmfao come on
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me irl