Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Okay
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.