i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Not recommended for beginners.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR