Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Leaving the Barbers like
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.