FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
what kind of cook setting is this??
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany