People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep