[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
And bowling should be called pinball
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
(Gaming support cat.)