Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick