[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat