This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.