I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Pikachu found the lost joint
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
girls literally only want one thing..
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?