Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
first you must answer his riddles
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there