When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes