I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You Might Also Like
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go