When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Cndnsd Mlk
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My new favorite headline
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…