I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me