In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?