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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My dog learned how to text
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake