me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Poetry is my passion
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*