**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly