[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
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Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.