Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids