[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight