I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Ugh but profoundly
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio