If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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my first dose meeting my second
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.