Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.