i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band