Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.