I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.