[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.