*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it