“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me