SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.