[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known